Grief After Loss
Grief after loss is heartbreaking.
It can appear as anger, disinterest, social withdrawal, anxiety, lack of motivation, depression, and/or physical pain (to name a few).
Though it can be uncomfortable to talk about, grief deserves the air time. It is heavy, but how can we learn to process grief or support others going through it if we shy away from bringing it up?
If you are dealing with grief after loss or you are wanting to know more about how to support someone who is healing, this post is for you.
If you are the person navigating grief after loss:
Find your tribe. You may not always know exactly what you need or what others can do to support you, and that is okay. Surround yourself with those who know that supporting you isn’t about ‘getting it’ or being able to relate via their own experiences, it is about trusting you when you say it hurts. People who are willing to squeeze into uncomfortable spaces with you. People who will let your grief fill the room without rushing you to move on.
Lean into routines. Line out consistent wake/bedtimes, meal times, and daily responsibilities. Include exercise, hobbies, social activities (if you’re up for it), and specific time to grieve. As odd as it may sound, grieving can feel easier to handle if you set aside time to work on it. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to feel any grieving emotions outside of the scheduled time, but it creates an opportunity each day to work through the emotions surrounding your loss.
Assume positive intent. There are people who will feel uncomfortable with your grief and as a result, they don’t know what to say or say the wrong things. Recognize that there is no malicious intent involved, they are just not meant to walk alongside you during this season of your life.
Be patient with yourself. Grieving is hard work. Establishing structure can help, but the idea isn’t to grieve in a way that is “right” or “perfect” because each person’s experiences and feelings are unique. If you are struggling to find balance or aren’t sure where to start, a trained professional (such as a therapist) is a great resource.
If you are supporting someone who is grieving:
Send a quick text to check in. Simply letting that person know that you are thinking about them is more likely to bring a smile to their face than you realize.
Ask if they want to talk about the person they lost. Talking about experiences validates them and can make a grieving person feel less alone.
Acknowledge the loss. Sometimes acting like nothing happened makes the grieving person more uncomfortable than acknowledging the situation. You are not reminding them of their loss by bringing it up… They have not forgotten. You are, however, giving them a chance to share special memories.
Speak with thoughtfulness and sensitivity:
Instead of “everything happens for a reason”, try “I am so sorry this happened”
Instead of “you’ll feel better soon”, try “how are you feeling today?”
Instead of “don’t be upset”, try “I am here for you”
Instead of “they wouldn’t want you to be sad”, try “I am so sorry that you don’t get more time with them”
Don’t confuse grief support with fixing the problem. When someone passes away, there is nothing to fix… It cannot be undone. Instead, join the grieving person in their uncertainty. Sit with them no matter how they are feeling and stay even when you aren’t sure what they need.
Grief is a complex emotion; encompassing love, sadness, anger, yearning, and fear. Whether this article hits home for you personally or helps you to support someone else, we thank you for being brave enough to talk about grief and hope that you found this article helpful!
